Kuidas minust võrkturunduse ohver sai

Ühel laupäeval köögis askeldades, sattusin ümber pöörates äkitselt mobiilsesse ilusalongi, mis Väikese Naise ja Väikese Mehe poolt elutuppa püsti pandi.

Kuna ma olen varem ka kogenud, et lastele mõeldud dekoratiivkosmeetika ei ole reeglina sugugi nii lihtsalt veega maha pestav, siis esialgu reageerisin pakkumisele salongi külastada kohe eitavalt ning tõin põhjuseks, et mul ei ole raha 🙂

Sellest aga kogu see jant alguse saigi, sest mu ääretult empaatiavõimelised kaksikutest ilutegijad hakkasid kohe lohutama, et see on täiesti tasuta ja Väike Mees mainis, et muuhulgas ootab mind lõpus ka väärt auhind 🙂 Jeesus, ma olen terve teadliku elu võrkturunduse eest põgenenud ning hiljuti lugenud artiklit sellest, kuidas sinisilmseid meelitatakse kingituste ettekäändel tasuta iluprotseduuridele, kus kreemitatud/meigitud saab vaid üks näo pool ning teise eest tuleb kohe tagataskust min. 50€ välja käia, kui sa just poolpeletisena uksest väljuda ei soovi. Ja ukse võtme, et üleüldse väljuda, saad vaid siis, kui sa kohe uue aja ka 100€ eest broneerid või vähemalt ühe kolmekümnest 200 eurosest ussipõieseerumist soetad 🙂

„Eee…ei, ma ikka praegu ei taha,“ vastasin ning püüdsin end nüüd vabandada sellega, et mul tegelikult on meiki piisavalt juba peal ning sellest täitsa piisab, sest ma ei plaani peole minna ja kortse mul ka pole.

Aga eesmärgile pühendunud staar-meikarite duol oli kohe uus plaan valmis.

„Ma loen sulle seni põnevaid muinasjutte, kuni me sind meigime,“ meelitab Väike Naine.

Ja siis juhtus see, mida ma kõige rohkem kartsin- mees ütles, et ta igaks juhuks lukustab ukse, et keegi ei segaks 🙂 (õnneks küll ettekujuteldava ukse)

„Uii, see on ju mingi mustuse tolm…mis asi see täpselt on?“ pärib mees mu ees istet võttes ning puudrikarbi kaant avades. Ma ei jõua veel seletadagi, kui mees tolmutopsi kaane sulgeb ning peeglilauale tagasi asetab.

„Äkki lakime hoopis küüsi?“ pakub mees. „Ei ja ei,“ vastan, sest ma olen mitu korda kogenud, et see laste küünelakk ei tule lakibensiiniga ka maha.

„No olgu, mis sa siis ise tahaksid?“ otsustab algaja meikar läheneda personaalselt.

„Ma võtaks veidike lauvärvi ja rohkem nagu polekski vaja,“ pakun. Mees nõus ja asub hoolikalt mu silmi värvima. Vahepeal mainis, et ma ei peaks üldse kartma. „Eee…ma ei kardagi, miks ma kartma peaks? “ vastasin ning mõtlesin, et selle peale saab vist ikka tõesti vaid meesolevus tulla, et meikimine pole kindlasti mingi nauditav ja soovitud tulemust garanteeriv  protseduur 🙂

Naine luges samal ajal mingit nonstop muinasjutumixi, kust mulle jäi meelde vaid see, et korduvalt elas keegi õnnelikult elu lõpuni ning see ei olnud mitte jutu lõpp vaid algus 🙂 Iga kord järgnes õnnelikule lõpule salapärase/hirmujudinaid tekitava häälega midagi sellist: „aga siis…. juhtus midagi hirmsat“ või „aga siis…..ilmus kusagilt välja…“ vms. 🙂 Väike Naine teab, et mingeid elukestvaid õnnelikke lõppe pole olemas ning sellega tuleb leppida, muidu on elu liiga igav. Sellele sain ma protseduuri lõpusirgel ise ka üle pika aja kinnitust. Lõpuks lisas naine mulle põsepuna, riputas ehku peale juustesse mõned klambrid ning mina tänasin mõlemat teenindajat hea töö eest.

Naismeikar otsustas paarilise testimise huvides lõpuks ka ise tooli istuda ning kiire make upi lasta peale panna. „Ära üle mineee!“ karjatas naine mehele korduvalt, kui too küünelakiga küünte läheduses (rõhk sõnal: läheduses 🙂 ) majandas. Mind pandi üleni ilusana seniks klienditoolile istuma, kuhu ma suures ootusärevuses kingitust ootama jäin, mida Väike Mees mulle protseduuri alguses korduvalt lubas. Kui Väike Naine ka poolfabrikaadist valmis tooteks sai, küsisingi kohe otse mehe käest, et andku mulle mu kingitus nüüd ka, et ma olen selle välja teeninud.

„Aaa..jajaa..vabandage….kohe saab,“ asus mees kosmeetikumide vahele kadunud auhinda otsima ning mina seni komplimendiootuses küsisin, et kas me Hannaga oleme nüüd ilusad?

„Eee….maitea, sarnased olete,“ lõpetas mees meie ilusaks saamise kannatuste rohke teekonna „ülimotiveeriva“ tõdemusega 😉

Ja kingitus oli muidugi enamvähem samasse lahtrisse: peegliga võlukepike!

„Mis ma sellega nagu teen siis nüüd?“ küsin, sest ma ju olen juba ilus. „Või nojah, vabandust, sarnane…“

„No vaatad sellesse, soovid midagi, vajutad nuppu ja siis saadki ilusaks! See kingitus (?) maksab viiskümmend eurot“

Nojah, arvata oligi: selleks, et pärast pikki ning kurnavaid „tasuta“ iluprotseduure saavutada tulemus „ilus“ mitte heal juhul „sarnane“, tuleb loomulikult endale lõpuks osta võlukepike, mis sind võib-olla maagia abil sellest jamast välja aitab 🙂 Lisaks sain ma õppetunni selle kohta, et ilu ei saa küll kunagi olla liiga palju ent paraku ei tule see kindlasti  ei puudritopsist ega küünelakist 🙂

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